To be honest I started this post and rewrote it about three times before I finally have a complete thought about the direction I want to go with this topic of sibling life. I have two girls who are 17 months apart, exactly the same distance as my older sister and I. I love my sister so much, she is one of my best friends and I value her opinion more then anyone else in the world (apart from my parents and husband of course). My beautiful made up word, Siblinghood, is such a jammed packed word with so much meaning in it. For those of you who cannot read my language, Siblinghood is the entire life long journey you have with a sibling. My first parenting prayer has been that my daughters go deeper then just a sibling love for one another, that they will have this complete and utter confidence, authenticity, appreciation, and relational depth that they will never have with another friend. I know this is a high order and maybe an unrealistic expectation, but EVERYTHING that I do as a parent raising these two girls is geared so that they will get to that place with one another. What does that look like in the life of a 16 month old and a 34 month old? To be honest, this siblinghood “bootcamp” that we are in is so hard at this age, I will probably come to learn it is hard at every age.
What are the challenges at this age of their siblinghood?
Megan: (16 month old)
- Megan is not able to communicate her wants and needs to Emma with words
- Megan wants to do EVERYTHING that Emma wants to do and play with everything Emma wants to play, essentially no boundaries and space (if not taken care of NOW will result in the “annoying” little sister stigma) WE WILL NOT HAVE!
Emma (32 month old)
- Emma is controlling, dominating, and selfish (not wanting to share)
- Emma gets frustrated and pushes Megan away, sometimes physically (if not taken care of NOW will result in the pushy, bossy, second mom older sibling stigma) WE WILL NOT HAVE!
What are we to do as parents to break this relationship stigma that older and younger siblings have toward one another? I would love to know what you are doing! Here is a little of what I am doing on a daily to help the girls develop appreciation for who they are, genuine love, and value for one another.
First and Foremost!!! *****PRAY***** for wisdom and depend on the Lord! Only with His power and presence do we find successes and have the patience to consistently reach our parenting goals that we might have for ourselves in teaching our children the way they ought to interact with one another.
Megan:
- Constant teaching of sign language and vocabulary for simple communication
- Redirecting, reminding, and correcting when not giving Emma space and proper boundaries during distinct activities and set times that Emma has.
- Turn taking with toys, music choices, and activities
- Reminding her and having Emma remind her that she is loved, but also needs to understand boundaries and NO TOUCH when she ought not to touch something that Emma is playing with or doing
Emma:
- Bible verse memory about love, kindness, and sharing
- Turn taking with timers
- Modeling how to incorporate and include Megan in their play
- Redirecting how to communicate with KIND words and SHE HAS NO place to tell Megan what to do
- Discipline when necessary
- Teaching talks and many conversations
What does their siblinghood look like in an average day? How do we balance alone time, play time, parent play?
In the morning after breakfast we have downstairs play for about an hour, the girls get to choose what they play with and I am daily on the floor with them playing and doing the modeling and teaching points of loving play. I call this parent play modeling time. Then the girls have their baths together and play together in the bathtub with their toys of choice. They actually HATE having their baths without each other, both of them cry when they do not have their baths at the same time. What a great sign! After bath, the girls have their alone time play, together in their bedroom. Based off the theme of the week, I preplan ahead of time what activities and toy options they will have in their bedroom and they play with those toys during the whole week of independent bedroom play. I put on their favorite music on the google and they play together in their room without me anywhere from 30-50 minutes. This took months of teaching, instructing, modeling, intervening, correcting, and more correcting until their independent playtime together was healthy and loving. I use a camera to monitor this everyday because they are still humans and make mistakes, but my intervening to achieve healthy independent play is far and few between now. Two days a week they do not have this playtime together, but both have their independent playtime by themselves.
I cannot stress the importance of this alone time play both as siblings and by themselves as individuals. It is so important for a child to have this built into their schedule because not all children gravitate to playing and creating fun on their own. Our oldest is always looking to be entertained, it is so much work for her to learn how to play by herself and entertain herself. She can have all the toys from Amazon, but yet just sit there and wait until you open the door to play with her. It has taken over a year of repeated alone time play for her to build up an imagination and desire to play on her own even if it is only 30-50 minutes in a day. This alone time play builds confidence, imagination, and creativity. This sibling play is SO important too because they grow closer as siblings, share experiences, memories, and together learn how to automatically include one another in their play. They learn how to appreciate the way the other thinks, plays, and creates. They are learning from from the youngest of age how to independently and lovingly play with their sibling. I would particularly suggest doing this with siblings of opposite gender. Siblings need to learn how to appreciate the games, toys, activities, and imagination of the other, particularly of opposite genders. Try it! Include it into your daily activities during this quarantine and see how it shapes the relationship of your children. There is so much more to be said, but I probably already lost the majority of you with this long book I wrote…. Many blessings and happy parenting!
Mama's Bilingual Play-School 